DHS Head Declares Anyone Who Does Not Like Her New Haircut a Terrorist.

Washington, DC. (BFBE): Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano authorized the release of a new Security Assessment to all local, state, and federal police departments this morning warning that anyone who does not like Napolitano's new haircut should be considered a "potential terrorist."

The Assessment was spawned yesterday, after Napalitano returned from the long holiday weekend with a new hairstyle created by the world renowned hair stylus, Steaphona. "She was really excited about the new cut," confided an unnamed personal administrative assistant from the Department. "She bought a very nice new business suit, and obviously worked on getting a little bit of tan on her face over the weekend. So, really, she did not look that bad. But then she started walking around the break room asking how everyone liked her new hair style. We all said it looked nice to be polite... But DAMN! Doesn't the bitch own a mirror? I mean the back was layered wonderfully, but the top and sides where cut too short and it makes her face look fat and boxy."

Another DHS official from the break room stated, "[He] was going to say it would look good once it grew in a bit," but kept silent because, "she's the boss."

This same informant speculates that Napolitano overheard several "you can't polish a turd" comments from the break room after everyone in the room thought she returned to her office. "Right after we were laughing about it for a while, an urgent message came over our Blackberries calling for a high security meeting in Nancy's office... The rest is history."

This morning, officials from the FBI are "still trying to figure this one out," and Napolitano is reported to be at work wearing a baseball cap and ear muffs while patrolling the halls of DHS with a shot gun threating her staff "to give her an excuse to pull a Cheney on their asses."