EVERYTHING Declared Illegal.

From the BFBE Newsdesk:

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Sources who do not wish to be identified from the Department of Homeland Security confirmed to BFBE earlier today that EVERYTHING was officially declared illegal today in an early morning session of Congress.

"The government needs money... period," this unnamed source confided. "Since only a poorly educated, narcissistic, and easily distracted person would not realize the only way we are ever going to pay the interest on the government debt we've accumulated over the last year is to tax all income from ever man, woman, and child in the United States for the next three generations, Congress decided to take the bold move of pretending this massive problem does not exist.

"They figured once the new network television season starts, most Americans would forget they ever had civil rights in the first place. However, they would notice that they are not getting paychecks. So, really it's just a matter of Congress tailoring legislation to match the priorities of the American people.

"There are already so many nebulous and conflicting laws on the books now, that police and government can pretty much arrest or fine anyone for everything they want already, so they figured that it would be far easier just to eliminate the the small number of rights Americans have left than trying to surf the morass of idiocy that constitutes modern American law.

"Now, police will have the simplified job of just issuing citations, fines, and making arrests for whatever they want. Carrying a cat in public: $50 fine. Cutting your grass: $100 fine for adding greenhouse gas to the atmosphere. Not cutting your grass: $100 fine for creating an eyesore. The list can go on and on.

"Soon, all the government's budgetary shortfalls will be behind us as billions in fines are raked in and anyone who disagrees with this policy will be in jail. It's a win win for everyone."

The informant concluded that there were no plans to make a formal announcement of this change in policy, rather "we were just going to let people figure it out for themselves," and that the only reason he decided to come forward with this information was because he enjoyed looking at the shocked expression in this reporter's face.