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Bernanke Clarifies His Position. "I was not in denial, I was LYING."

Washington, DC (BFBE):  Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, Ben Bernanke, spoke briefly with BFBE this morning by phone to clarify his positions on the economy before the Financial Crisis hit in August, 2008.

According to Bernanke, "I was not in denial about the state of the economy, I was lying.  Why are you acting shocked?   Any idiot could have seen that and now people are trying to blame me.  It's not my responsibility to give the public accurate information on the state of the economy and their fiancial activities.  Pick up a book!  Do it yourself!  Take some responsibility!

"All I can tell you is almost all of my friends have come through this time of uncertainly pretty darn well, thank you very much.  Did they listen to me?  No way!  They saw the economy was going to hell in a hand basket and prepared for it.  Now, with the help of your tax dollars, they're making a tidy profit scooping up the assets of all you mouth breathers out there.  I don't hear them complaining about me lying."

When asked if Mr. Bernanke's history of misleading statements in regards to the economy should make consumers wary of his current predictions of the financial crisis ending later this year, he replied, "Oh, of course not!  Everything is good, good, good.  Never better.  In fact, this is the time to spend.  Get out there.  Stimulate the economy.  Run up those credit cards.  Just remember, the fundamentals of the economy remain sound.  So, I cannot think of a better time to overextend yourself."

Breaking!!!! You Can't Make This Stuff Up Dept.

Developing... Sources close to the President informed BFBE they are assuring supporters that this rumor is groundless, and even if it is not, President Obama would have been the pitcher, and not the catcher.

The Globe.

Malawian Judge Affirms Rights of Rich To Do Anything.

Lilongwe, Malawi (BFBE). International pop music legend, Madonna's bid to adopt an orphan child from the desperately poor African nation of Malawi was approved this week by Malawi's Supreme Court of Appeal.

Madonna's adoption bid was stymied in March by a lower court's ruling that barred the adoption based on it violated the Malawian law requiring 18 months residency in the nation before adopting children. According to one of the three judges making the decision, the law barring the adoption was out of date.

D'Aood Mitambe, a high ranking legal adviser to the Appeals Court, told BFBE, "Despite the fact Malawi is a very poor nation, it has a sophisticated legal system based on English Common Law just like those in the United Kingdom, the U.S, Australia, and Canada. And, just as in those powerful nations, we, too, have a separate standard of justice for the wealthy over the common people. Unfortunately, it has been so long since anyone wealthy has lived in Malawi who was not a politician, in charge of the military, or a heavily armed militant faction, ergo, above the Courts, the lower Court simply forgot about this time honored double standard."

Mitambe stated that despite this legal precedent, the Court still took a thorough look at Madonna's case, "Since she already basically stole a Malawian boy a few years ago even after it was discovered he was not actually an orphan, and the fact that she did not eat the kid or anything, the Court just figured 'what the hell, she's rich.'"

Supporters bristled at accusations of Madonna's wealth and notoriety influencing the Court's decision. Marty Shlopp, owner of "VogueDonna," a popular Madonna fan blog, said, "Anyone who knows Madonna knows she has nothing but the purest motives in adopting a child from this impoverished nation. She is simply living out her religious faith, and we should all support her in this."

When asked how Madonna's faith played a role in these proceedings, Shlopp added, "Madonna is a dedicated Kabbalist, and there is no doubt that she is not aware of the story of Lilith. Madonna's actions speak louder than her words, and, she is quite evidently, simply trying to model her life on the example of Lilith. I can think of nothing more noble and applaud."

BFBE Note: Lilith is the fabled first wife of Adam, who according to legend, was cursed by God and sentenced to walk the Earth forever as an aged crone. In ancient times, Lilith was feared as a night spirit who would sneak into homes stealing children and young men's semen.


Full Story.

BFBE Remembers 20 Years of Eroding Civil Rights.

BFBE:

Tienanmen Square (1989)

Is this when our greed for Chinese investment overshadowed our dedication to freedom and civil rights, or just when our government stopped caring about them?


Ruby Ridge (1992)



Waco, Texas (1993)



Seattle (1999)

Elian Gonzalez (2000)


New Orleans (2005)


St. Louis (2007)


Republican National Convention (2008)




Democratic National Convention (2008)


I guess our government forgot...

Republicans Blame "Reckless Living" for 60% of Bankruptcies.

Washington, DC (BFBE):  Congressional Republicans pointed to a Harvard study on 2007 bankruptcy statistics as an example of how "reckless living" caused 60% of all bankruptcies.

According to the study:

Bankruptcies due to medical bills increased by nearly 50 percent in
a six-year period, from 46 percent in 2001 to 62 percent in 2007, and
most of those who filed for bankruptcy were middle-class, well-educated
homeowners, according to a report that will be published in the August
issue of The American Journal of Medicine.

"Unless you're a
Warren Buffett or Bill Gates, you're one illness away from financial
ruin in this country," says lead author Steffie Woolhandler, M.D., of
the Harvard Medical School, in Cambridge, Mass. "If an illness is long
enough and expensive enough, private insurance offers very little
protection against medical bankruptcy, and that's the major finding in
our study."

They concluded that 62.1 percent of the bankruptcies were medically
related because the individuals either had more than $5,000 (or 10
percent of their pretax income) in medical bills, mortgaged their home
to pay for medical bills, or lost significant income due to an illness.
On average, medically bankrupt families had $17,943 in out-of-pocket
expenses, including $26,971 for those who lacked insurance and $17,749
who had insurance at some point.

Overall, three-quarters of the people with a medically-related bankruptcy had health insurance, they say.

"That was actually the predominant problem in patients in our study --
78 percent of them had health insurance, but many of them were
bankrupted anyway because there were gaps in their coverage like
co-payments and deductibles and uncovered services," says Woolhandler.
"Other people had private insurance but got so sick that they lost
their job and lost their insurance."

Edition: CNN.com

Chris Runaround, Spokesman for the House Republicans for a Healthy America, said, "The evidence could not be more clear.  There are millions of deadbeats out there forcing themselves to live at the expense of the economy as a whole.  If they would just do the moral thing, live within their means, and die from lack of healthcare, big business and the banks could have just come in and taken everything from the deceased estates.  Instead, they selfishly demand the healthcare system keep them alive no matter what.  Do you think they care one bit about the profits of these multinational corporations?  NO!  They are too wrapped up in themselves and 'will I see my children get married,' "what will my grandchildren grow up to be,' and, 'I don't want to die.' 

"Now, we have millions of people living because they lavishly wasted all their savings on medical expenses.  And, what do they do with this new lease on life?  They declare bankruptcy and force our political donors to wait until they can foreclose on these high livers' homes before they can see massive profits.

"Now, there is talk about nationalized healthcare.  Great!  Now, everybody will be living longer.  Just where do people think the insurance industry is going to make billions in profits if the government offers an affordable, superior healthcare alternative to the public?  It is pure idiocy."

Mr. Runaround pointed BFBE to "Nobody Lives Forever," a Republican funded outreach program offering support and guidance to cash strapped individuals and families in need of healthcare.  Some of their money saving recommendations include; "Saving up anti-depressants for the weekend," "Only take heart, blood pressure, an cholesterol medications when you feel you heart hurt," and "Swapping and trading medications among friends to make ends meet."

NIAGARA COURTS RULING: Taser use to obtain DNA not unconstitutional

Police taser student who neglected to raise hand during "You Looking at Me Day?" at local high school.

Niagara Gazette.

A decision by Falls Police to use a Taser to obtain a DNA sample from a suspect in an armed robbery, shooting and kidnapping is not unconstitutional.

Niagara County Court Judge Sara Sheldon Sperrazza reached that conclusion in a 16 page decision handed down Wednesday that refused to dismiss an indictment against Ryan Smith and denied his request to have DNA evidence that links him to two separate criminal cases thrown out.

The ruling left Smith’s attorney, Patrick Balkin, stunned and requesting additional time to prepare for a trial that had been scheduled to begin later this month.

(BFBE): New York law enforcement officials told BFBE by phone earlier today this ruling "opens up a whole new paradigm for law enforcement in New York."

The official, who asked not to be identified in fear "[He] would ruin the surprise," stated, "Police Departments across New York and the entire country have been waiting for the 'go ahead' from the Courts to take the kid gloves off. It's nice to know we do not have to dance around a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo like 'Probably Cause,' and 'Appropriate Use of Force' nonsense before we bust a few heads."

The official concluded by outlining several new programs law enforcement will roll out in light of the new ruling. Some of these include; "The Go Ahead and Bust the Door Down, They're Probably Doing Something Illegal" Community Outreach Program, the "Wire Tap, Wire Shmap" Domestic Surveillance Initiative, and the "Don't Make Me Kick You in the Ding Ding" Police fundraising drive.

New York Man Guilty of Dying Without License.

New York City, NY (BFBE): A New York man was held without bail today on charges of dying without a license.

Arresting office, and legendary Parking Meter Compliance Enforcement Specialist Miami Fickle, told the Court in sworn testimony, "I knew two and a half weeks ago the guy was going to be trouble. He was parked under a bridge, and when I went to ticket his car for illegal parking, he just sat there in the driver's seat, holding his chest and going, 'Help me, help me.' Well, nobody gets our of a ticket from me! The City depends on my issuing of citations for its very existence. So, I issued the ticket and moved on.

"The next day, the car and suspect where still there. This time, he was not only illegally parked, but obviously deceased. I politely asked to see the gentleman's Death Permit, and he just ignored me! He just sat there staring into space with this glazed look on his face. I could have arrested him right there for obstruction of justice, but I decided to cut him a break and just give him a ticket. Every day for over two weeks I ticketed the suspect and his car. Finally, it was obvious that he was incorrigible, and I have no other course of action other than arresting the subject."

New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg applauded Office Fickles' actions, "The people of New York need to understand that every one of our permits, fees, and licenses are there for a reason. Ignoring them only leads to the loose of the quality of life New Yorkers have come to enjoy. Today, people are not paying for the death permit, tommarow, they will not pay the Walking on a Public Street Fee, and the Consuming Public Oxogen Tax. It's high time we start cracking down on these scoff laws."

Related Story:

NY Car Ticketed Repeatedly With Dead Body Inside.

Congress Commemorates Four Days of Pelosi Not Saying Anything Stupid.

Washington, DC (BFBE): Congressional Democrats held a discrete ceremony this morning to commemorate four days of House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, not saying anything stupid.

"She's been on a record breaking run here," stated Nate Buyme, a top Democratic leader. "After the 'CIA is lying to me', and the 'we're going to inventory your life' statements, those of us on the Hill have really learned the meaning of 'silence is golden."

Other House leaders credited Pelosi's new record with her, "Admirable determination not to answer any questions from the press on vital issues, not matter how pertinent."

Obama Offers Idaho as Collateral on US Debt to China.

Cairo, Egypt. (BFBE): US President Barak Obama took a brief respite from his whirlwind tour of the Mid-East and Europe today to assure Chinese President Hu Jintao of America's commitment to honor its foreign debt commitments.

As a gesture of goodwill, Obama offered the state of Idaho to the Chinese government in the form of collateral to secure the billion in United States Treasury Bonds owned by the Chinese. "We don't pay up, it's all yours," confided Obama to the Chinese President.

White House insiders told BFBE, "[The Administration] does not think anyone will really miss Idaho if the unthinkable actually happens. " The official further noted that only 25% of American high school seniors even know Idaho exists, let alone it is a part of the United States." And, "Most of them live in Idaho."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi applauded the move, noting, "Idaho residents have consistently voted against change for decades. This can only mean they are stupid, racist, rednecks. Getting rid of a 'red' state will only ensure the will of the people is secured for generations to come. Plus, I can use their Congressional office space for my new portrait gallery of myself."

Chinese Ambassador Kim Wu Fong said, "The Chinese government never really expects to collect this collateral. However, if the eventuality should occur, the residents of Idaho might be pleasantly surprised when they discover China now affords its citizens more civil rights and personal freedoms than the United States these days."

"The Idaho Transfer," as it has been dubbed by Administration officials, is just the first stage of fund raising initiatives planned by the White House to supplement sagging US tax revenues. Other plans on the table include the leasing of Alabama to Eat 'em Up Sugar Cane Company, Inc, provided the state "offers adequate numbers to young, healthy adults with good teeth as to provide adequate breeding stock." And, the sale of "10,000 mixed American Jews to a Saudi Prince for target practice."

Today we’re all prisoners in the USA

As of today, June 1, 2009, even U.S. citizens are officially
prisoners in the USA, or exiles barred from entering our own country
without the government’s permission.

	Department of State’s U.S. Passport Card.

We are now forbidden by Federal regulations from leaving or entering

the USA, anywhere, by any means — by air, by sea, or by land, to or
from any other country or international waters or airspace — unless the
government chooses to issue us a passport, passport card, or “enhanced” drivers license (any of which “travel documents” are now issued only with secretly and remotely-readable uniquely-numbered
radio tracking beacons in the form of RFID transponder chips), or
unless the Department of Homeland Security chooses to to exercise its
standardless “discretion” to decide — in secret, with no way for us to
know who is making the decision or on what basis — to issue a (one-time
case-by-case) “waiver” of the new travel document requirements.

If you’re in the USA without such documents — even if you were born here, or are a foreigner who entered the USA legally without such documents (a Canadian, for example, who entered the USA by landyesterday when no such documents were yet required), or your document(s) have expired or have been lost or stolen — you are forbidden to leave the country unless and until you procure such adocument, or unless and until the DHS gives you an exit permit in the form of a discretionary one-time waiver to leave the country — but not necessarily to come home, unless they again exercise their discretion to “grant” you another waiver.

If you are a U.S. citizen abroad without such a document (for
example, if you entered Canada legally without it yesterday by land,
when it wasn’t required, or again if your document(s) are expired,
lost, or stolen) you are forbidden to come home unless and until you
can procure a new document acceptable to the DHS, or unless and until
the DHS gives you permission to come home in the form of a
discretionary one-time waiver.

The DHS admits, at the top of its GetYouHome.gov propapganda website, that it might take “several weeks” to obtain such a document if you don’t have one already or if it expires or is lost or stolen. A temporary paper drivers license without a photo, or even a standard photo license or state ID, won’t suffice — only an extra-fee EDL with an RFID chip, which also takes several weeks to obtain in those few states that issue them at all. Backlogs for even “rush” passport issuance can be even longer, as we pointed out in our comments to the DHS. It doesn’t matter if your next-of-kin is dying in Canada or Mexico. (Suppose a relative gets sick or injured, and needs you there to make medical decisons or escort them home, but you weren’t going on the trip with them, and don’t have a passport.) You can’t go unless the U.S. government approves your papers or approves a standardless discretionary “waiver” for you to leave the U.S. — which won’t guarantee that they’ll let you come back.

This is the final stage, effective June 1, 2009, of implementation
of the so-called “Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative” (WHTI).

Complete Article: Infowars.com

More Information: Papers, Please! The Identity Project.

MPAA Fights Back Against On-Line Piracy with Summer of Crappy Movies.

Hollywood, CA (BFBE): Befuddled by the ever increasing numbers of file sharers
on the Internet downloading the latest movie industry releases,
Hollywood insiders have announced a new tactic to fight this trend.


According to Mel Hexenbacker of the MPAA, "The answer is REMAKES. Let
me say it again; remakes, remakes, remakes. We have learned that we
can take a timeless classic, and really screw it up. Take everything
out of it that made it good and replace it with an infernal morass of
computer generated graphics, lifeless one dimensional characters, bad
acting, and uninspired writing.


"We've been doing this for a few years now, just look at how we ruined
"The Day the Earth Stood Still" for all future generations. That flick
was so bad, not only will nobody in their right mind download it,
people will stop downloading the original classic because it might
cause a flashback of Keanu Reeves turning this classic into a lifeless
"Matrix 7." However, after buggering "The Hills Have Eyes," we began
to realize that we were running out of good movies to ruin, so now for
2009, we are going to start RE-ruining movies that were not good in the
first place.

"Just look at what we have in store for the Summer, remakes of "The
Black Lagoon," "Frankenweenie," "Piranha," and "Red Sonja." Ha! Ha!
Ha! Once this crap gets out there The Pirate Bay and Mininova will be
toast! Waaa!!! Ha!!! Ha!!!"

White House Praises Misleading Economic Statistics.

Washington, DC (BFBE): White House officials praised the efforts of the news media today in their systematic attempts to portray the current state of the economy in a positive light.

"Despite all evidence to the contrary," Mindy Popinjay, Special Economic Adviser to the Obama White House, confided to BFBE, "the media is pulling off the impossible; making people think the economy is doing anything but imploding."

Popinjay praises the media's use of misleading statistics, "The media is really doing yeoman's service for us on this one. Just look at the array of complete statistical contradictions and fallacies they managed to pull off.

"Last month, gas prices went up 40 cents a gallon in many places around the country. Just what the American people need when so many people are out of work and times are tough. If Bush was in office, everyone would be mad and the media would be doing in depth reports on bread lines and soup kitchens in Trenton. But, not now! No, they took the brave step of ignoring the rise and showing a statistic that gas prices are LOWER right now than they were last year at this time. KA-KLAM! Now, the public thinks a 20% rise in gas prices during a time of high unemployment is a good thing!

"Now, let's take a look at another terrible statistic. Last week, the number of new unemployment claims was something like 613,000. It was probably WAY higher than that, but we'll just wait a few weeks to 'adjust' it after everyone's forgot about it. Now, if the media would use the gas logic to this statistic, that is comparing it to last year, people might notice that this number has doubled and there are millions upon millions of newly unemployed workers out there is little or no prospect of finding work. So, instead, they choose to look at how last week's numbers are about 10,000 lower than the week before. Granted, that still means 1.2 million people lost their jobs in two weeks, but SHA-WING! It's still lower, and that's all the media is talking about."

Popinjay closed with praising the news media's objectivity, "You really have to hand it to our news corps. No matter what the truth is, all they are saying is 'better, better, better.' You can not be more objective than that. My guess is you will not need to be a mind reader as to who is going to be at the top of the list for billions of dollars in tax payer dollars when the next 'great for the economy' bailout happens."

Mass Urination at White House Press Briefing.

Washington, DC (BFBE): A surprise visit by President Obama at this morning's White House Press Briefing led to the largest incident of mass urination in Washington since the United States Congress passed the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) in September.

President Obama's brief wave into the White House Press Room, sent the White House Press Corps into a spastic display of glee that left no pantsuit unsoiled.

"He looked at me! He really looked at me!" Gushed one reporter from a major American news network. "I'm the most objective of all! I'm the most objective of all! That's why he waved at me!"

"I love you, Barak!" Shouted another female reported from a major metropolitan newspaper. This reporter continued to jump up and down with her breasts exposed long after the President left the room. Later, this same reporter expressed confidence the White House Press Office would mail her beads through the mail.

Developing...

White House Unveils New GM Concept Cars.

Washington, DC (BFBE): The White House was swift today in dismissing claims its lack of experience in the automotive industry would adversely impact its control of General Motors.

Many economists, inside and outside the industry, expressed concerns the appointment of a 31 year old in his first government job and no experience in either industrial manufacturing, or business, would hinder General Motors efforts to emerge from bankruptcy.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," a White House spokesperson said early today at an informal briefing. "In fact, the Administration feels strongly that this lack of experience will bring new, exciting ideas to GM, and lay the groundwork for America leading the world in 21st Century auto manufacturing and sales."

Demonstrating this "new thinking," the White House released a series of drawings and photos of advanced prototype Administration designed GM vehicles of the future. The spokesperson added, "I dare anyone to look at these concepts and not get excited about GM and the future of the American automobile industry."




An early concept drawing. The thing on the right has wheels, which Administration officials were assured were instrumental to a car. The birthday cake and box are metaphors for this new advanced vehicles' design was a gift to both the American people and the world.




Advanced interior design and materials will be a hallmark of all Administration designed vehicles.




This environmentally friendly advanced prototype will "run on pee" once they develop and engine powerful enough to make it move.




Futuristic design of a vehicle which will double as living quarters for displaced citizens. Notice, the person is very happy.



"The sky's the limit!" Concluded the White House Spokesperson. "While many things at GM will change, some will always remain the same."